Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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