If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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