Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
