Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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