i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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