I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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