She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
