This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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