So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
