We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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