im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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