all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
