I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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