I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
