please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
