you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
