Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
