glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
