Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
