not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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