Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
