My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
