matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
