This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
