he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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