You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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