I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
