I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
