Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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