There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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