The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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