before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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