I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
