shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
