We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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