apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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