He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
