They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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