I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the day after is always just damage control
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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