I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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