shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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