Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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