No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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