We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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