Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
