Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
