There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
