I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
