I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
