just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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