I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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