I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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