Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
