So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
