oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
