Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
