I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
