The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
