i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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